Video Games Are An Option To Chose From
2013
A couple months after meeting these friends, I saw Sandra Dodd speak at the HSC conference in Sacramento. Her talk was titled Partnerships in the Family. Those two things happening so close to each other really got my wheels turning. After much deliberation, I decided to ask Austin: "What is the one thing you wish I would let you do more often?" He replied, "Play video games."
After that day whenever he would ask if he could play video games I would reply with a cheerful, "Sure!" I'd bring him food when he was hungry. I'd sit and watch him play. I'd look things up for him and when he'd ask if he could play one more level I would again reply with, "Sure!" Eventually, he didn't feel he needed to ask anymore. He was seeing me relax, he was seeing the judgement pass, and he was feeling safe to share with me this thing he loved so much. During this time I, too, was feeling lighter. The more I was with him while he played, the more I felt the fear passing.
Sometimes with a new game I'll feel some fear bubble up, but it's not as overwhelming as it once was. It's not as loud. Sometimes the content of a game concerns me but I know that limiting a game is not going to secure any kind of future for him. It will only break the bond between us and I'd be putting up a wall that says, "You cannot talk to me about this thing you are exploring." There is no video game in the world that would cause me to do that to our relationship.
At this point in my life I don't need scientific evidence. You couldn't convince me that video games are dangerous or cause of XYZ even if you tried really, really hard because in our house video games don't cause the kinds of problems I hear people talking about. In fact, whenever I hear parents talk negatively about video games it seems glaringly obvious to me it's the parents attitude towards video games that are the problem, not the games themselves. How our day ebbs and flows is evidence enough for me that video games aren't addicting, they don't cause violence or cause children to turn into zombies. Video games became one of the many options to chose from once I was able to remain calm and look at the child in front of me and see the passion, the connections, the light in his eyes, and excitement in his voice when he is playing a game he really loves.
Walking to the PEZ Museum to show our friends one of our favorite places and meet one of the most enthusiastic toy collectors we know is also an option.
Today while friends were over today I smiled as I watched everyone move from one activity to another. It took me back to the first time I was at their house so many years ago. We were homeschoolers in the traditional sense; doing school at the kitchen table. I was also a parent who used punishment, threats and intimidation as a way to impose my will on Austin, so being in the home of a radical unschooler was a very different experience for me.
What I remember the most about that day - besides the infinite amount of patience mom had for my never ending stream of questions (really, I'm surprised she asked us back.) - was watching and being awed at how the boys would go back and forth from playing video games to running around to Legos. I worried once the video games started there was no way they would turn them off without a struggle. She talk to me about choices. How because there was no limit on video games, they were just one of many options for the boys to chose from. Her boys knew they could come back to playing them anytime they wanted to, without judgement, and could stop when they wanted to without force. This was such a amazing concept for me; it wasn't the games that were a problem, it was the limitations I had put on them. I had never heard of such a thing before and there was the proof right there in front of me: video games could be walked away from without yelling and screaming when there were no limitations.
I still needed more proof before I could remove the limits in our own house. I needed reassurance I was not going to be harming Austin by letting him play more video games, especially games with more adult content in them. I did not want to ruin his future of becoming a kind, caring, responsible adult, and in my mind, how could you be kind if you were killing people on screen for fun? It took a while before I could let go of the fear that I would be ruining Austin's future by letting him play video games without restriction.
A couple months after meeting these friends, I saw Sandra Dodd speak at the HSC conference in Sacramento. Her talk was titled Partnerships in the Family. Those two things happening so close to each other really got my wheels turning. After much deliberation, I decided to ask Austin: "What is the one thing you wish I would let you do more often?" He replied, "Play video games."
After that day whenever he would ask if he could play video games I would reply with a cheerful, "Sure!" I'd bring him food when he was hungry. I'd sit and watch him play. I'd look things up for him and when he'd ask if he could play one more level I would again reply with, "Sure!" Eventually, he didn't feel he needed to ask anymore. He was seeing me relax, he was seeing the judgement pass, and he was feeling safe to share with me this thing he loved so much. During this time I, too, was feeling lighter. The more I was with him while he played, the more I felt the fear passing.
Sometimes with a new game I'll feel some fear bubble up, but it's not as overwhelming as it once was. It's not as loud. Sometimes the content of a game concerns me but I know that limiting a game is not going to secure any kind of future for him. It will only break the bond between us and I'd be putting up a wall that says, "You cannot talk to me about this thing you are exploring." There is no video game in the world that would cause me to do that to our relationship.
At this point in my life I don't need scientific evidence. You couldn't convince me that video games are dangerous or cause of XYZ even if you tried really, really hard because in our house video games don't cause the kinds of problems I hear people talking about. In fact, whenever I hear parents talk negatively about video games it seems glaringly obvious to me it's the parents attitude towards video games that are the problem, not the games themselves. How our day ebbs and flows is evidence enough for me that video games aren't addicting, they don't cause violence or cause children to turn into zombies. Video games became one of the many options to chose from once I was able to remain calm and look at the child in front of me and see the passion, the connections, the light in his eyes, and excitement in his voice when he is playing a game he really loves.
In every single one of these pictures a video game was stopped to do something else.
When video games are one of the many options to chose from it's no big deal to sit on the couch petting the cat while reading. There is no need to sneak in a game.
Building Lego creations and watching with friends are also options.
Two boys paused their game of Don't Starve to play Apples to Apples.
After all these years, I still see these moments and think, "Wow! Look at that." Maybe it's because of so many years of thinking that video games were addicting. Maybe it's because sometimes I feel like I can't go a day without hearing somebody somewhere say that video games are dangerous. I don't see it anymore in my own family but I've done the work of facing my own fears instead of putting them on my child. He's been awesome all along. He only needed a mom who would get out of his way and let him be just that.
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