Sharing A Bad Moment

2011

I came home after being gone for most of the afternoon. The scene in the house was exactly as I had left it: Monty playing games in the office and Austin playing games in the living room. The first thing out of my mouth was, "Has Austin had anything to eat?" It was a trap. I knew hadn't. I am the one who makes the food and feeds the family and in my absence it is rarely done. Monty is much more passive making sure Austin doesn't starve to death. He waits for a request for food where as I try to stay one step ahead of hunger. So, when the answer given was not to my liking I directed that frustration towards my son.

"I don't know why I even bother.  No one else around here seems to care whether or not you eat so why should I?"

Yikes! Ouch! Really? Did I just say that? A couple minutes later Austin asked for a bowl of noodles.  Fuck. I am a total and complete asshole. I just guilt-ed my kid into eating. He is now going to eat a bowl of noodles to make me feel better.  Double Ouch.

I apologized, but I know it's not that easy. Not yet. I am sure Austin isn't going to trust my sincerity around food. I have no doubt Austin is going to be on high alert for my unhappiness and disappointment in the way he eats. That really sucks. I shook his confidence in me to accept him and the confidence he has in himself to know what his own body needs.

Blech!