Please Don't Hit Your Kids
2011
It's important to call things what they are. Spanking is hitting. Here's my story as a former hitter of people.
When Austin was born I said I would NEVER, EVER HIT him. One day I failed him in that promise and continued to fail him as a person who was safe for many years. The first time I hit him was because I wanted him to help me clean his room. He was probably two years old. He didn't want to so I turned into a power struggle because- by god, this two year old is going to learn who's boss!
I yelled. He yelled. I told him to go to the corner. He bit my leg. I hit him. I wish I could say this was a one time incident, but it wasn't. I continued to hit him when he wouldn't do what I told him to for the next 6 years.
I've stopped hitting him recently. I've stopped sending him to time out. I've stopped punishing him It's been four months now. I've grown. I am able to see now how every single situation where I've let myself get into a power struggle with Austin it was on me to end it. Not by hitting him or sending him away, but by stopping for a moment, taking a breath, being calm and finding a way to help my child. There was never one instance where he deserved to be hit or where it was the only solution I had left. My choices now when there is conflict are to STOP and THINK instead of react. I slow down.
Once I changed so did Austin. Once he felt safe and loved unconditionally, once his needs were being met, amazing things started to happen. None of them would have happened if hitting, time outs and punishments were on the table. They had to be taken off for change to begin.
Sometimes Austin being hit still comes out in his play. He'll say things to me like "You're going to get a spanking." or "If you don't stop screaming White Cat then you are going to get a spanking." My heart sinks and my stomach clenches. I did that. I broke a piece inside of him that says "it's not OK to hurt people." So, I go to him and say "I am so sorry that I ever hit you." and he says, "You should be!"
And he's right. I should be. I'm sorry I ever hit you, Austin.
It's important to call things what they are. Spanking is hitting. Here's my story as a former hitter of people.
When Austin was born I said I would NEVER, EVER HIT him. One day I failed him in that promise and continued to fail him as a person who was safe for many years. The first time I hit him was because I wanted him to help me clean his room. He was probably two years old. He didn't want to so I turned into a power struggle because- by god, this two year old is going to learn who's boss!
I yelled. He yelled. I told him to go to the corner. He bit my leg. I hit him. I wish I could say this was a one time incident, but it wasn't. I continued to hit him when he wouldn't do what I told him to for the next 6 years.
I've stopped hitting him recently. I've stopped sending him to time out. I've stopped punishing him It's been four months now. I've grown. I am able to see now how every single situation where I've let myself get into a power struggle with Austin it was on me to end it. Not by hitting him or sending him away, but by stopping for a moment, taking a breath, being calm and finding a way to help my child. There was never one instance where he deserved to be hit or where it was the only solution I had left. My choices now when there is conflict are to STOP and THINK instead of react. I slow down.
Once I changed so did Austin. Once he felt safe and loved unconditionally, once his needs were being met, amazing things started to happen. None of them would have happened if hitting, time outs and punishments were on the table. They had to be taken off for change to begin.
Sometimes Austin being hit still comes out in his play. He'll say things to me like "You're going to get a spanking." or "If you don't stop screaming White Cat then you are going to get a spanking." My heart sinks and my stomach clenches. I did that. I broke a piece inside of him that says "it's not OK to hurt people." So, I go to him and say "I am so sorry that I ever hit you." and he says, "You should be!"
And he's right. I should be. I'm sorry I ever hit you, Austin.
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